Sometimes I like to use my blog to vent, but I think I do so pretty delicately. I don’t think I necessarily start a post with the intention of verbal vomit; I like to use my venting to offer up some advice to those of you who follow along with the life and times of me…
Over the past several weeks I’ve made mention of the fact that my life has been a little more dramatic than I’d like it to be. I’ve felt very lost and very anxious about the immediate future – a change for me, I know, seeing as I’m usually anxious about the distant future at the expense of the immediate future. As out of character as this might sound to those of you who know me personally, or know me in the written-blog-sense, I’ve felt as if I have no idea what comes next… out of place inside my own body so to speak.
I make no secret the fact that I keep my circle of friends tight, and while my acquaintances might stack up, I put the bulk of my effort on the friendship front into a select number of people. For 21 years, that has worked out fantastically for me. Then I got slapped in the face with another one of those experiences that comes before the lesson.
At the risk of being overly dramatic, I will not divulge the details, but basically, I’ve been faced with some serious choices lately. Typically, I put others first and consider myself and my own options a consequence of how everyone else will feel. Then one day I woke up and decided not to do that anymore. To say the least, it hasn’t gone over well with many of the people closest to me.
That’s when I realized something: who cares? No, I don’t mean I don’t care at all, because I’m upset that I’ve become public enemy number one to people I care about over the course of a month without doing anything aside from looking out for my best interest; and I’m upset that I’m seemingly an isolate in the place I spend a lot of my time, but what I don’t care about, is what anyone thinks of my decisions.
For once in my college life, I’ve decided to make a choice which is completely selfish. I put my best interests first, and my own agenda at the head of the table, and now I’ve made other people unhappy, but at the end of the day, I’ve made myself happy.
Just today I was talking with some people I consider myself very close to, and I realized that not only do they agree with me, but these are the people I need in my life – the people who encourage me to do for me. (Yes, mom and dad, I know you two always do that, but aside from you guys!)
While I may be battling the up and down waves of emotional turmoil that is consequent of this whole ordeal, at the end of the day one thing reigns true: in the grand scheme of things, I’ll be happy.
Which is where my lesson comes in:
You can never throw yourself out on the basis of someone else; you should never put your own happiness after someone else’s. The reality is, at the end of the day, people are going to shock you—they’re going to change, and they’re either going to exceed your expectations, or let you down; but regardless, they have their own agendas and intentions, and you have yours. As long as you come out of it at the end happy, and a good person, that’s all that will matter.
What makes a good person? I’m not entirely sure about that one; that’s yet another conversation I’ve had recently. Are you a good person because other people think you are; or are you a good person because you know in your heart you are, and not because you fit in with the mold and conform to other people’s expectations, but because you fulfill your own?
Most of me believes that a good person is someone who dares to be different, while still standing true to sound morals and values; but then I ask, who determines what sound morals and values are?
I guess these questions are what started me on this new path of devoting time each day to myself; time to do something that isn’t school, career or commitment related. (Aside from the gym of course – by the way, 9 pounds lost since Jan 25 and I’m feeling so in shape and getting ready to run some serious road races this summer, dad!) Which is why I started reading again…
Before I got into the hustle and bustle of college life, I could read a book in a day. My mom joked that I was a true “book worm” because she could never keep up with my reading lists; and my dad always said “I won’t deprive her of reading, buy her the books.” I think I forgot what it was like recently to do something to calm me down, and all of this talk of finding my own happiness started me thinking of it again. Yesterday, I devoted a good deal of the odd time frames of free time (you know, the time after work but before dinner where it’s too short to do work but too long to stare at Facebook) reading. I told you guys I was about to start on Crime and Punishment; well I did. So far, loving it.
I like the idea of a protagonist who wants to understand if people are inherently good, or whether or not there are separate rules for different groups of people. I also love that it makes me feel smarter as I read it.
At the end of the day, I suppose what I’m getting at with all of this verbal vomit is that even when things look like they can’t possibly get worse, they do; but that doesn’t matter, because as long as you keep your head up, and put yourself first, you’ll be fine. There’s nothing on the ground but your feet, right?